Help! Husband doesn't want another dog...

[mikkabear]

Hi Guys:
I was speaking with my husband this morning about chow puppies, and told him I wanted to get a smooth coat girl and a rescue later this year and that I wanted to plan for it. Well, he and I have talked about this before seemingly in agreement and as you may know we have been chow-less since last September when Mikka passed away. My house is so empty - there's no kids, dogs, cats, etc and I am wanting a puppy so badly.
Well, when I told him I wanted to start researching on where we would get our smooth coat girl (will use NorCal chow rescue for our rescue chow) he said "I don't want to get a dog now and I don't want to get a dog in 8 months." He then proceeded to say that it is a group effort to parent a dog and that if he didn't want one I should respect his feelings. I don't know if he is not over Mikka's passing or if it's that he doesn't want the responsibility. He refuses to talk to me about it except he is adament that he doesn't "want another dog."
We shared the responsibility of Mikka pretty much equally during our marriage (about 9 years with her). Before that she and I were together. We were both very attached to her and I think both of us felt she was the child we never had. On another note, our life has pretty much been in turmoil for the past year - we bought a business that turned out to be a bad investment, lost a lot of money (like, all of our savings), lost a lot of income (I'm a commercial and residential real estate broker, you know what the market is in CA!) and lost one of our houses (the Novato, CA house) and moved into our Tahoe house. Things here are starting to get under control again, and I thought that when we were stable we would be ready to parent a chow. On another note, I have lived many years with Mikka renting an apartment and she and I were fine - even if I were not financially stable I would have always found a place to live with her and would do that for any chow in the future.
So, does anyone have any advice for me? I can't imagine my life without another chowkid. Should I wait a few months then bring up the subject again? Tell him he doesn't have to worry about the responsibility? Help!
Paulette

[Zhuyos mom]

Paulette, I would bring a foster in first. That way your home with be filled with chow affection and you know you will be giving that chow something everlasting even though it won't be your home forever. It's a win-win situation. Your husband may not be ready for a chow, or maybe there has just been too much change for him within the past year and another chow would add another change and he's somewhat pleading his case to you without going overboard. Maybe once your foster has found its forever home, you hubby's heart and mind may change or maybe you'll enjoy the experience of fostering and keep it up. Good luck.

[Laura]

I should probably keep my trap shut but I will say this...
He wants you to respect his feelings about not wanting another dog while he completely disrespects your feelings of wanting one. That isn't fair. There needs to be a compromise...maybe you get one dog and only one dog. Maybe you agree to be the caretaker. I will say it is not fair to a dog/puppy to bring it in where one person doesn't want it and therefore will ignore it or resent it. That isn't fair to the dog. If you think your hubby will be that way then think long and hard before you make your decision. I'm not much on being told what I can and cannot do so this gets my hackles up a bit but my reasonable side would not give up the fight and I wouldn't wait months I would get it all out in the open. Get to the bottom of why he doesn't want another...is it the grief...the stress you've had the past year...what is his reasoning and work from there. Explain your feelings and needs...discuss compromise...waiting a bit more or only getting one or whatever. I would not let my feelings be ignored on the subject though. In a partnership we all have to give and take.

[Jeff&Peks]

Depending on how close your husband and Chow were I can see his point I think he is still getting over your last Chow. Maybe he doesn't want to become that emotionally attached again and doesn't want to ever have to go through the lose of another Chow. Only he knows what he went through and is probably still going through and how much he was hurt by the lose. There's a special bond behind a guy and his trusty Chow that a spouse will never know and you will never know what he went through inside emotionally. Maybe in time he might change his mind.

Despite what you woman see on the outside you have no idea what goes on in the inside, guys usually don't show it but a lose of a dog can ripe guy apart on the inside something he may never want to go through again. I can't say this is the case with your Husband but I think it is.

[Auddymay]

I agree with Lou about fostering, and Laura, about getting your needs met as well as your hubby's. Mikkabear was yours before the husband, if I was reading correctly. Had you come into the relationship pet-free, he might not have wanted one, either. He enjoyed the experience, but might not be the type to seek it out, and that is the reticence you are seeing now. Some folks are just like that, maybe he is too. The foster would tell you volumes. Good luck, be loving but firm...

[Boogie and Linda]

It is kind of hard to comment without knowing exactly why he doesn't want another dog. I agree with Lou about the fostering. My husband didn't want any pets. He was very adamant about it. Now we have 2 chows and a foster along with a cat due to my persistence. I started researching and finding many last minute chows in shelters and would tell him about them and that I wanted to help. I also shared all the great stories of rescued chows with him and how important it is for these poor guys to get out of the shelter because they don't get much time there and a lot of chows will never even get a chance to get out. I finally got him to agree to a chow on a trial basis as long as we had an out clause should he absolutely not like it. Boogie was our first and after two days of Boogie behaving like the Tazmanian Devil, he almost went back (and I was about ready to give him back too I must admit) but then everything clicked. My daughter and I also had to agree to do all the work (which he now happily helps out with).

Your husband may still need time to grieve or he may still be worried about all of the changes you have endured and not want to take on anymore. In the meantime, maybe you could keep him abreast of chows in the area in need and maybe go to a few of the rescues events. I wouldn't push him though if he really isn't ready.

[coleywoley]

I say go with fostering. You can warm him up to the idea of a permanent addition again without the pressure. Plus you'll be helping out a chow until they can find a permanent home.

[mikkabear]

Thanks for the posts. Jeff, I agree with you that husband was torn up about Mikka's passing. She was a daddy's girl and he used to take her to the golfing range, she would be outside with him while he did the yardwork, they went to Home Depot together, he would sit with his arm around her and whisper to her and she would look at him and wag her tail.
I think we'll start with a foster chow. Probably fall in love with him or her, I'm such a sucker for dogs, especially ones that need to be spoiled and loved. Now I just have to figure out how to bring up the subject of fostering...
It's been really nice having the support of this forum!

[Brandy's mom]

It sounds to me like you have both been through an awful lot this past year, and while things are getting stabilized, maybe your husband isn't at the point where he feels comfortable yet. Added to that, he dealing with his grief and feelings of loss regarding Mikka. I can certainly understand your desire, even need, to get another dog, and I certainly agree that it shouldn't be a one way street; that he gets what he wants and you don't get anything. On the other hand, I wouldn't force his hand on anything, be it fostering or permanent, without him agreeing to it, unless I was prepared for the potential consequences. Lesser things have broken up a marriage. With all the stress you've been under, maybe he just isn't ready to deal with what he perceives as more stress. IF his issue is that he doesn't want the added responsibility and work of a dog, suggesting fostering and showing that YOU will handle any and all additional work may be the ticket to relieving his anxiety about getting another doggie member in the family. IF, however, he doesn't want to deal with another loss ... I don't want to foster because I know myself well enough to know that I would get attached and even though I was sending the dog off to a good forever home, a piece of me would go with that dog, and I can't deal with that. Maybe it's just a matter of time for him to feel more comfortable and coming to the realization that life has really stabilized again. Maybe, on the other hand, he truly never wants and never WILL want another dog again, and if you bring one in, because, as we all agree, you have a right to have one in your life, he will resent you and the dog for as long as you are all together. Try to think about it and put yourself in his shoes. Think to yourself that you really, really, don't want a dog and your husband does. How would you react, how would you feel, what would make it okay for you to deal with having another dog in the house? Then sit down and talk to him about it and how much it means to you.

Best of luck in finding,adopting, and enjoying your little smooth coat chow baby!

[Tai's Mom]

Paulette, I agree on the fostering and it may be the middle ground that you're looking for. Hubby isn't ready for another dog and isn't being sensitive to your need for another. Maybe approach him with something like "I understand you don't want to make a commitment to another chow, but if we can't do that, then I would like to discuss fostering a rescue. That way there is no commitment on your end and I can still make a difference in another chow's life". The loss of a dog affects different people in different ways, and that, coupled with everything that you guys have been through is enough to make alot of people not want to make a commitment again.
Cy & Tai

[pfordeb]

OMG Paulette, we have almost the same lives, except I didn't have a dog before I got married ( we have had financial problems, health problems, and now dealing with a daddy's girl dog who is dying). My husband has also said no more pets, as I've mentioned in other posts. I have said, not completely jokingly, I would rather have a dog than a husband, we'll see. In the meantime, fostering does seem like a good idea for you, but I know the hesitation in bringing it up. Forrest said he would go to a pet loss support group with me, we'll see on that one too. I want to start going while we still have Sullivan. I sort of hope that will bring him around to the idea of another dog, and he does know I give support to groups that foster animals. He claims he wants to travel more, but hopefully we'll have Charlie and Gilbert for several more years (both will be 4 this year). I'm thinking I'll have Forrest help with the dog choice, so he has some "ownership" in the decision. He picked Sullivan, but he claims he didn't have a say with Gilbert (although he was with me at the time), and I really did sneak Charlie on him. I'm also pretty sure I will be in so much despair that there won't be a choice but to get another dog. At any rate, you are not alone. We'll have to keep each other posted on the husband problem.

[mikkabear]

pfordeb, we'll have to take it day by day. I wasn't aware about Sullivan, I'm sorry to hear that she is sick.

[pfordeb]

Actually, I joined this site the day we got her cancer diagnosis, and for a variety of reasons it is not treatable except for pain. However, she's hanging in after almost 9 months, and except for losing some hair from the pain meds, you might not know. We definitely take that day by day.

[sengeoz]

This is for those of you with a spouse/partner grieving for a dog that has passed and refusing to get another dog...

My husband, who is a delightful, kind and generous being, said pretty much the same thing to me when we lost our old girl some 18 years ago - she was 17.5 at the time. Although he came into our lives, the two of them bonded very closely and he couldn't go through that loss again, he said. I am a pretty tough old bird and said that I really couldn't see not having at least one dog in my life, having had dogs all my life til then. It took about 2 years and counselling, but we currently have seven Chows, one of whom is 14 and fading. We have lost one girl at the age of six, another at the age of 11 and we've lost a total of seven puppies (stillborn through to 3 weeks of age) from various litters over the years. We both grieve and grieve profoundly when each of those precious beings in our care pass on.

However, I suspect that had we not had the counselling we got - together and individually - we probably wouldn't still be together. We've gotten short-term counselling a couple of other times for stresses and an inability to talk our way through things. It's allowed us space to reconnect and find our way back to open and caring communication and mutual compromises and cooperation. Can't recommend it enough.

[pfordeb]

Thanks Judith-Ann. It's good to know it's possible to get over some of the grief. We've both been grieving since the day we got the diagnosis. It was a breakthrough for Forrest to even admit he'd go to that pet loss support group, so I hope he does. He DOES NOT believe in counseling, maybe, sort of, a guy thing. Including the loss of his first wife and mother to my step-son. Forrest may have gotten over that, but his son has never gotten over the loss of his mother. I managed to talk Forrest into getting Phil some counseling a couple times, but Phil is totally floundering as an adult (drugs, jail, etc.).

Anyway, this really isn't about me, but Paulette, but that's a little glimpse into my life, and believe me I value counseling -- though it makes life harder living with someone who doesn't.

[sengeoz]

pfordeb,

Grief is really a profound journey of emotions and can be excrutiatingly dibilitating if one is "unprepared" for it and/or unwilling to engage with it. I am fortunate in that both my parents were founders of and very active workers in the hospice movement - starting in the late 60s until their deaths (over 30 years for my Dad & over 40 years for my Mom). I was able to do alot of training around grief and grieving and worked for a short time as a grief counsellor with a hospice in California back in the early 80s.

What I learned both from my own experience and in my training/work was two fold:
If you try to "get over'" the loss of a loved one and push those unlabel-able feelings away or to the side in an attempt to be "strong", you have actually done yourself and the one who has passed a great disservice. Grieving is a way of honouring that loved person/being, of honouring who and what they were to you, in your life.

Instead, if you engage with/embrace the feelings which come like waves - sometimes smoothly, sometimes stormy, usually unexpectedly - you notice that while you will never get over the loss, you do slowly "get used to" their loss/missing presence. Usually this process of active grieving takes about two years, sometimes longer.

Yet at the same time, as you allow yourself to be vulnerable in the grieving you actually become so much more strong and able to give of yourself to others as well as yourself. You recognise suffering of the mind and heart and can empathise. You become aware that the pain of loss allows you to appreciate love wherever and however it comes to you so that you in turn become even more whole, even while there are holes in your heart. It's as though having had your heart shattered by grief, you are never afraid of having it broken again.

All the best,

[pfordeb]

Thanks. I wish you could talk to my husband. I'm the one who's encourged contact with his first wife's family who have been very nice to me. He never had pictures of her out and totally ignored the whole situation. I think he thought he had to be strong for his son. To each his own I guess.