Tess & Me

[Me & Tess]

The deer have taken over our clearing. Five does are the usual. We had 4 bucks yesterday morning. Two 3 by 3’s and one 4 by 4 and one 5 by 4. The 5 by 4 was a handsome big guy. One of the young ones sparred with an older one - only in play. Two left our clearing and entered the forest by Tess’ grave. The other two left to the south east. The big guy came back late this afternoon but the does kept their distance, taunting him. He chased, they ran.

Several Springs ago I was gathering wild rose petals on our dirt road. Going to the end or the road, gathering on one side then coming back gathering on the opposite side. Tess would watch me, lay down for a bit. If I was taking too long she would go into the forest to investigate the smells & sounds. Coming back, I was close to our property line busily gathering wild rose petals. Tess went into the forest and I started hearing hoofs and paws, the jingle of Tess’ tags going this way then that way, back and forth. It sounded like Tess was chasing a deer then the deer was chasing Tess. I called to Tess and out of the forest she ran to me, close behind a big doe! I started yelling “stop deer, stop deer!” (Same idea as "git bear git!") The deer didn’t stop! She kept chasing Tess. When the doe was about 5 feet from me, I picked up a small stone and threw it at her feet to get her attention. She halted quickly and ran back into the forest. Tess was having a great time. She knew no fear. I am sure that the doe was trying to keep Tess away from her new born fawn. About three Springs ago we had a new born by the creek. I was walking the path, Tess by my side and I saw the mother and the new born on shaky legs. I gently took Tess and we headed back to the cabin. We gave them a few weeks of privacy.

Talked to the kids this week. According to them Tess must have been 20 years old - possibly the oldest Chow girl ever. Each time we talk, Tess seems to age, further and further back in time their rememberings go. Perhaps by the time they have their own children, they will be telling them of their 50 year old Black Chow Girl, Tess, back in the day when they were children. I think their rememberings are because they too saw her as our forever Chow. Our beautiful black Tess.

[Me & Tess]

Today I took out the bag of Tess’ fur just to smell and touch something of her. I buried my face in it and the softness and sweet smell remains. I regret that I did not keep all of her fur brushings. If I only had a spinning wheel I would spin it all into midnight gold. Tess loved to be brushed we could go on for hours and she wouldn’t complain. Sometimes, in the hot summer nights we would go out in the lawn and spend time together her and me. She always went to the same part of the lawn to get ready for her brushing. When we were in Norwalk, the grass in the back yard caught her fur like low a dark fog. I could get trash cans full. Sweet times.

The last few days up in the Rockies have been more Spring like than Fall. I took a walk north, carrying my bear spray. Stopped a few places to gather some Kinnikinnick greenery and berries. The berries are red and the critters do eat them. I only found one branch with berries, the critters have been busy. Will soon gather some juniper branches to decorate the cabin. Tess had favorite places where she took off into the forest. One leads to a spring on our neighbor’s land. I stopped there and remembered. Our driveway is golden with fallen Larch needles. The Larch needles turn golden in the fall and the wind blows them off. They say that in heaven the roads are paved with gold. It made me think that this Montana is a foretaste of heaven. The 22nd is coming soon, sometimes the grief feels fresh, sometimes it feels that it was so long ago, like a fairy tale from my youth. We had our Tess a long time. She was so very loved. I take comfort in that.

[Me & Tess]

This was a bad weekend. Two months yesterday. I thought that I (we) had finally coped with Tess being gone. I will say I did cry the last few days, mostly alone but openly too.

I look at the Chows that need saving and I just don’t understand; how anyone can just let go, give up a Chowling is beyond me. I look at the eyes. What I saw in Tess’ eyes was a gentle soul looking back at me, there was no way that I could foresake her.

From the time we left Norwalk, Tess had no fences. When we stayed at EDA Ranch she was free to run with Buddy. When we spent those months at the Eureka Airport, Tess was free to run as she pleased, never far though. Sometimes at night the three of us would run on the remote air field. On our 20 acres she stayed mostly in the clearing close to the cabin. Sometimes she would visit with the neighbors dogs, but they she never welcomed them here. She gave them boundaries, just north of our property line & at the edge of the clearing. She had the creek but she preferred me to go down there with her and would head butt me in that direction when she felt like going. On our walks, she always looked back to make sure I was following. Sometimes, she would look to go a different way and wait until I motioned where to go. Sometimes, I would ask her where she wanted to go and she would start heading to the creek or down the driveway or to one of our ancient logging roads. I know that she had preferences and she would show me the way.

I imagine Tess running free with her brothers and sisters that went before her and after her. One of the sweetest moments I saw of Tess was when she saw a puppy and tried to touch in with her paws, she was so tender. I am sure of her sweet intentions to be one with her own. My dear sweet girl, I miss you so.

[mikkabear]

A tearjerker. Wow, I just found this thread, what beautiful writing, you paint a picture and feelings with words.
This site kept me going last year after Mikka passed away, I don't think I could have healed without the support of the people here and the wonderful people who were at the chow fest this year who made me realize I can go on with my life....
When it's time.....
I know Tess is there by your side as your angel still watching over you...

[Me & Tess]

I wonder if anyone has seen the trailer to the movie Marley & Me? I’ve been staying up a little later lately and it’s been on several times around 10:00 p.m. Every time I see it I crack up. Mike is usually in bed about that time and I find myself laughing out loud. The scene is Marley hanging out the car window and feet touching the pavement, and running with the car - car is in motion. Reminds me of when Matt and I took Tess out in the truck the first time. Matt was holding her and when we rounded the corner to our block, Tess tried to get out of the truck through the passenger side window. Matt held her back end. Of course being a Chow her legs weren’t long enough to reach the road. Not sure what she was thinking. She may have had it in her mind that riding in a car could lead to being abandoned & wanted to make sure she would reach her new home.

I keep reminding myself of how old Tess was. It was years since she did “zoomies.” Years since I took her on walks longer than a mile. When we she first came to us I read that Chows physical hearts were smaller than a regular dog. The story I read was about a man who had taken his Chow for a walk while riding his bicycle. His Chow exhibited exhaustion & the man left his Chow to go home to get his car. When he returned his Chow had died. I really watched how far we went, especially in the summers and always took water for Tess.

Matt called, he will be coming up for Christmas. This will be the first time in almost two years. This time last year he was in Iraq. I know he will miss Tess. But he is a man going on 27. When he was here he took a walk northeast through the forest with Tess, armed with Michael’s 44 TC magnum, with a 14 inch barrel. Tess left him. Matt was on his own, worrying about Lions, (Tigers) Bears & Wolfs (Oh-my). He is a very funny person, but now a seasoned man non-the-less.

I started cutting juniper and laid a couple of bows on Tess’ grave. Sometimes I feel I did betray her. But I see how time has gone and I know it would have been painful for her to continue. I know she hid her pain. Through eyes I see on the Chow site I see Tess’ eyes. I pray that they find their forever homes.

Picture of one of Tess's last Zoomies. Run free girl, run free.

[CoraP.]

I read the book, "Marley and Me". It is really good, I think.

[Me & Tess]

We had the first measurable snow today in our little corner of the country. It started aa slushy wet snow then turned into the fluffy stuff. I went out on the porch and looked at Tess grave and clapped my hands softly and whispered to Tess, “Tessy, it’s snowing.” Tears were flowing as I turned and walked back into the cabin. I knew I had to visit her grave today. When the snow was falling softly I walked to her grave. I stayed for a moment and walked into the forest to our creek. There was still tufts of grass left where Tess last grazed, I broke a few blades off and walked to the creek head. I lifted my face up to the snow and let it fall on my tongue thinking to myself, this one is for you my Tess. I followed the trail back to our clearing and paused again, placed the blades of grass on Tess’ grave and rubbed the snow off her marker.

If Tess was a Buddhist I pray that she would be reborn as a wolf, close to us, and so very free. Perhaps born in clan of the Grave Creek Pack, born as a wee one in the next season of the wild rose blossoms. Maybe she would watch me from a distance while I walked the trails, cleaned the creek in the summer, or as I sit quietly in the forest. If only she would give me just a little glimpse of her proud and gentle majesty. For now I know she is the spirit in the wind, the snowflakes on my face, the little patch of topaz blue glimmering through the gray and white clouds of winter. Her spirit dances and prances around me, as she did in her living days.

[Auddymay]

We have snow now as well. I wondered about that with you, when I saw Tess's last zoomie shot. My own Lily loves the snow, and it appears your Tess did as well.

Maybe Tess was Christian...there was reincarnation in the Bible, until one of the early popes realized it would be hard to control the unwashed masses if they thought they would have a seond chance without the church (we are here to learn and grow, and each incarnation is supposed to reflect that). So they removed it. I often suspected Pip to be a reincarnation of my childhood dog, BaBa. I don't think that so much anymore, because Pip is not the brave girl BaBa was. Either way, Tess is indeed, all around you. Once you have adjusted (resigned?) to life without her, and are ready for a new furbaby, she will show you the way to your next big adventure. Of course, if you lived to be ancient, and have many more pets, you will compare them always to your beloved heart Chow. They will of course, come up short, but you will love them for who they are, and know there will never be another as perfect as your Tess. Bless you.

[Me & Tess]

This morning while I was sitting at my desk I noticed a ball of Tess fur next to the computer keyboard. I asked Mike where it came from, he said he picked it up off the loft stairs. I have been cleaning, sweeping, vacuuming, washing over the past 2 plus months. The dust puppies and balls of Tess fur should all be gone. I picked up this little ball of fur and placed it with bag of her precious soft black fur, saved from the past year. Could this have been a present from my Tess, perhaps in exchange for the gift of the blades of grass I laid at her grave yesterday? I accept it as a gift, thank you my dear Tess girl.

[Mia]

How beautiful!

I would take it as a gift! Her spirit will always be with you - and I am sure that if she could find a way to give you a gift - she would!

[Me & Tess]

It snowed lightly last night. There was a dusting of white on the trees. When I got up Mike said he called to Snoop (Tess) this morning to come inside but she wouldn’t come in. We agreed she loved the snow, and was playing it, making snow Chow angels. I went outside with my robe and hiking shoes to brush off the snow on Tess’ grave marker. A few hours later I got dressed I went to the creek to gather the blades of grass to put them in a small sheaf. I know that soon the snow will cover the ground, hiding the grass and everything else. I tied the sheaf with some yarn and put it away. That will be Tess Christmas present on Christmas morning.

We buried Tess with her collar. To her, the collar was a symbol of belonging. She was bare when she came to us. We had saved Patch’s collar and put it around Tess’ neck. Tess gathered her own “dog tags” through the years. They made a jiggle sound like bells of Christmas. When she did her zoomies at night we could hear her running across the clearing, back and forth, and in Norwalk with Mike, when she did her zoomies, block and tackle. When I brushed her and removed her collar she kept an eye on it. When we were finished she eagerly put her head inside the circle of the collar. Mike wears his dog tags from Viet Nam. He would shake his dog tags at her and then shake hers. She knew she belonged to us, we were her forever family.

When Mike returned from Viet Nam, he didn’t tell his folks, he wanted to surprise them. In those days the military didn’t notify the families that their sons and daughters were coming home. Mike came home to a very sick Pokey, his own childhood dog. His Dad & Mom had put Pokey in the garage. Pokey was bloated, in severe pain, whining, yelping, at the end of his days. The first decision that Mike had to make was to put Pokey down on the very day he came home. Mike still talks about it, one of the most painful decisions he had to make. Matt will be up on the 22nd. His return from Iraq is so different from the days of Viet Nam. Matt will remember Tess as a younger, healthy Chow, his Foo. I know that he is sad about the loss of Tess, but he has such good memories of her. Our own Black Beautiful Chow Girl. Forever.

[Mia]

I found this and thought about you and Tess:

Room In Your Heart
Sorrow fills a barren space, you close your eyes and see my face
and think of the times I made you laugh, the love we shared, the bond we had,
the special way I needed you – the friendship shared by just we two.
The day’s too quiet, the world seems older, he wind blows now a little colder.
You gaze into the empty air and look for me but I’m not there.
I’m in heaven and I watch you, and I see the world around you too.
I see little souls wearing fur, souls who bark and souls who purr.
Born unwanted and unloved – I see all this and more above.
I watch them suffer, I see them cry, I see them lost, I watch them die.
I see unwanted thousands born and when they die, no one mourns.
These little souls wearing fur. Some who bark and some who purr
are castaways who, unlike me will never know love or security.
A few short months they starve and roam or caged in shelters-nobody takes home.
They’re special too, furballs of pleasure, filled with love,each one a treasure.
My pain and suffering came to an end. So don’t cry for me, my person, my friend.
But think of the living – those souls with fur.Some who bark and some who purr.
And though our bond can’t be broken apart,make room for another in your home and your heart.

[jacqui]

how true and heartbreaking Lise

[Me & Tess]

Got up this morning at 4am. Started reading Marley & Me (without crying). After breakfast I decided to take a walk down the hill to our mail box a mile away. The county road was very busy, three cars, they all waved, I waved back, everyone waves. I was thinking coming back, wondering what the odds would be of a stray Chow wandering the roads & up our drive. My heart isn’t ready yet, but I do think about it. I look at the site where Chows need saving, needing homes. Billy haunts me. Hell will have it’s molten pots ready when those cruel people pass on. I was looking at the San Diego site, so many Chows. I prayed hard for Holly. I know one day I will finally be over a bigger part of the pain.

Tess was so perfect. She did have her moments of aggressiveness, sometimes welcome as when we were traveling the freeways of Los Angeles in the late night & early morning hours. She was hard headed at times. I knew that she didn’t like to be pulled by the collar when I was trying to get her out of the way of a car coming down our dirt road. If I pulled her she would look at me and plop her butt down in the middle of the road, as if, “Are you stupid? Just call me or motion to me & I’ll move!” When she thought I was staying up too late, she would head butt me and bark and bark, waking Mike. She expected me to bring her fresh water, day old wasn’t good enough, even morning water wasn’t good enough in the evening, a little whine and I would cave. Fresh water at your beckoning my m'girl. Toward the end of her days, she would only eat laying down (unless it was chicken which she inhaled) and her food had to be in a particular place. She had a stare that a Vulcan would be envious of. Her own particular mind-meld! We knew what she was conveying. It used to blow Mike away. Someday my heart will be open again, someday there will be a pair of amber eyes looking back at me and once again it will be kismet. In the olden times, one mourned for at least a year. I understand why.

[Mia]

Oh, I agree, sometimes a year is good - it takes a long time to grieve. I didn't mean you should rush, I just thought that Tess was probably looking down on you and loving you.

Billy haunts me so much - I wasn't going to come back to this site for a bit. I called and left a message and I would have fed and vetted him back to health. I am sure they did what they needed - but you are right - molten hell isn't enough for whoever did that to him. I am overwhelmed and depressed about Billy.

[Auddymay]

I mentioned to someone just yesterday, that you have begun again. It was after I read the thing you wrote about you and Mike discussing another Chow, and you said he was not really ready. You are undoubtedly right. But the fact that you could even have the conversation speaks volumes about how far you have come...a new beginning. Yes, still grieving, but the pain is no longer so exquisite, I think. And the fact you can look at the Chow's needing a home section amazes me,I have a hard time there and going to Petfinder. And kismet is just what it will be for you, when you find those amber eyes looking back at you.

[Me & Tess]

You have all helped me so much in my grief. Mike said that I was fortunate to find those who have the same idea of what our Chows are. They are beings in our souls. He said others may think (we - Mike & me) are a little crazy. Every time I see a picture of your (black) Chows it reminds me of my Tess. I take comfort in that. I take comfort in your kind words. Thank you for being there for me (us). Nancy

[Me & Tess]

In the beginning of our relationship Tess & I were novice amateur astronomers. We watched the comet Hale-Bopp together. Sitting side by side we stared upward toward the western sky. In March 1997 (made typo on original message - hmm - maybe the kids are right, a 30 year old chow??), I started watching with wonder, talking to her and pointing upward, her eyes following to the exact spot. We spent several months, several hours, several times a week, watching the tail of the comet. The Southern California night was warm. We were always girls of the night.

Last night, we were in the middle of a blizzard. The power went out around 11:00pm. I watched the snow swirling and whirling around like crazy zooming Chows. I imagined Tess was at the edge of the woods watching, maybe joining in as a dancing shadow. The wind is both exciting and dangerous. The gusts blew hard & loud against the cabin. Mike went out this morning to check the devastation, we lost over 50 large trees, some were uprooted, some were snapped at the top or in the middle, one blew down over the road. Mike had to take his chainsaw to it. There were several fell close or on our driveway. Mike said we lost about five directly across our creek. Our neighbors faired the same. The winds are still blowing but not as hard. There are still loud gusts of wind. The temperature is below zero and falling.

[fillyok]

Thank goodness you're okay. I'll never understand how (or why) people choose to live in places that get that cold. I can handle the solitude, but not the cold weather...brrrrrrr Stay warm.

[Me & Tess]

I know what the journey with Tess represented. The lessons she taught me. She taught me to take my time through this life, to smell every smell that comes my way, smell several times over because there are new smells to be discovered. She taught me to relax in the nights that we shared. She taught me that from freedom comes responsibility. Not to run away from the frightening things of life. To meet what comes my way head on, sometimes a head butt it in the balls of life is necessary. My time with Tess, would I ever think that the pain would be to much to bare at her death? I would do it over again in a heart beat.

Last week I also had to face the reality that I wasn’t ready for another. I had been looking at Chows that needed homes and found myself looking at PetFinder. There is a black Chow in Kanab Utah that is still waiting for a home, a survivor of Katrina. How she landed in the small town of Kanab I will never know. What her story is or even what Tess’ story was before she came to us, is lost or only imagined, as are the stories of abandoned, neglected or sheltered Chows, & of Chows that are in “kill shelters.” My heart hurts too much to look any more. I have fears, very real that I wouldn’t be able to match the expectations of providing all for a new Chow. I have looked into eyes, looking for Tess. Looking for something that is only a comes once in a lifetime.

[AmberLea]

Hi Nancy,

Thank you for sharing your journey with your lovely girl Tess with us, many lessons are learned along the way, memories are gathered and love is shared

I hope you can find peace in the wildflowers on your little hill and know that Tess is all around you. You live in a beautiful part of the world, maybe one day you can share it again with another Chow, not to replace but again to share love and good times as you move forward.

xxx

[fillyok]

Kanab is home to Best Friends Animal Society and is a great place to visit. They have quite a few Chows listed on their site. http://adoptions.bestfriends.org/Defaul ... ow&Ntk=All

One day your heart will mend enough to let another furbaby in. You'll know when it's time. I understand your concerns about another never meeting your expectations, but I think that would change once you find your next friend. Do we only have one "heart dog"? Personally, I don't think so...all of mine have my heart for different reasons.

[Me & Tess]

"I have fears, very real that I wouldn’t be able to match the expectations of providing all for a new Chow." The expectations would be of me. We were so lucky for so many years with Tess. Except for being estragen deficient and on medication for eight years, she was always healthy until the last year and a half of her life. We were blessed.

[Me & Tess]

Mike cut our Christmas tree from the property this week. He cut a few feet off the top & bottom and it now stands at eleven feet inside the cabin. We left it unadorned for a couple of days, it is beautiful. Tess loved it when we brought the Christmas tree in. She loved smelling it, looking at the sparkles, and laying under it, never touching an ornament. She remembered every year what “Christmas Present” meant. We would say “Christmas Present” to her on Christmas morning, giving her, her own wrapped gift. She would rip and tear the paper to get it. In the last years I helped her some, Mike would tell me “just let her do it.” Tess just loved the winter season, Christmas meant yummy smells coming from the kitchen, she would watch me intently making cookies, knowing that she would get a little morsel. Late at night Tess would sit by me, we would sneak a cookie or two, sharing cookies under the lights of the Christmas tree. Sometimes I could fool her, that I didn’t have anymore to share, showing her my empty hands by waving them, she would lay back down. Sometimes I couldn’t fool her and she did a little tippy-toe Corsican dance until I relented.

When we lived in Norwalk, she looked forward to the junk mail. I would put the papers on the coffee table and she would take them and run. I would run after her, she would shake them until they ripped. I would take the pieces and throw them to her like confetti, she would jump up and catch the paper pieces. I guess you could say we both did zoomies (we were younger then) Our zoomies went on for about 5 to 10 minutes.

Mike snowplowed the road this morning. Tess loved going with him, she would proudly prance in front of him leading the way, a winter wonderland parade of two. Mike said she looked like an 80 lb. skunk, snow from head to tail. It would make me very nervous, but Tess was very smart and Mike was very careful. In sunshine, or in snow, Tess was the constant protector. Mike misses her.

The snow is blanketing everything, The trees are heavy with the soft white stuff, and are starting to unload. Tess’ grave is covered, you can see the snow enfolding the rocks, making depressions between, looking like a pure white quilt. This morning I laid a bundle of grass under the Christmas tree for her. We will walk it out to her first thing on Christmas morn. Tess loved the winter. We love you Tess Girl.

Pictures from Christmases past. One from the apartment at the “Airport,” our first Montana Christmas, and one from our cabin.

[CoraP.]

The first Christmas without our dear friend is the hardest. I would always think "he was still here only a year ago..." I wish you and Mike peace.