Non-Chow, Child question for Parents?

[Jeff&Peks]

For you parents of younger kids (5/6) If your kid comes home from school and tell's you their teacher hit them and tried to strangle them how do you find out if its true or not. My grandson goes to an elite private School so elite when you say the name People say wow but now he is accusing his teacher of hitting him and trying to Choke him, If he is lying or making more out of it then what it is then he's probably going to get kicked out of the School, if its true there's no way to prove it and if the subject is brought up to the School true or not he will probably be ask to leave because they don't want stories like that being spread about them. He is spoiled as hell and does make things sound alot worse then what happened, If you say be quiet he will say you threatened him and told him to shut up, so with out causing a bunch of trouble and him getting ask to leave the School how do you kill the kid to find out what really happened. We already told him if its true the teacher will get in alot of trouble and if its not true he's going to get kicked out and have to go to a public school, not that there is anything wrong with public schools but this is LA public schools there is something wrong with that unless you want your kids to work fast foods or pick produce.

[chris]

hmmmmm... I would lean to the side that it didn't happen how your grandson states. BUT... there have been a lot of WIERD things happening lately with those kinds of issues where the teacher just looses it on the kid. I hope I never have to deal with something like that. I wonder if the teacher just grabbed him by the back of the neck to pull him back in line or something... know what I mean?

[CloudeSkie]

I say reverse phychology, don't get mad or angry rightaway and approch him with a "soothing" voice. gets my little girls all the time - I'm sure the kid will not be that bad through and through... My two cents....

What I'd do... Make him recount what happened - why, in the first place, then ask "what really happened" step by step. But remind him that you're not mad but you just want to know what happened. A child's memory is sharp when it comes to those things especially if its just recent or if it is something that has not happened to him yet. If he is telling the truth, he will narrate things to you without overreacting, if he is telling a lie or exagerating, he will try to make up excuses or play the blame game or even cry especially if it was his fault.

I'm sure you or her mom knows the child enough to judge what he says.

[Jeff&Peks]

I say reverse phychology, don't get mad or angry rightaway and approch him with a "soothing" voice. gets my little girls all the time - I'm sure the kid will not be that bad through and through... My two cents....

What I'd do... Make him recount what happened - why, in the first place, then ask "what really happened" step by step. But remind him that you're not mad but you just want to know what happened. A child's memory is sharp when it comes to those things especially if its just recent or if it is something that has not happened to him yet. If he is telling the truth, he will narrate things to you without overreacting, if he is telling a lie or exagerating, he will try to make up excuses or play the blame game or even cry especially if it was his fault.

I'm sure you or her mom knows the child enough to judge what he says.

No one ever gets mad around here that's why I have a Spoiled Chow and kid running the place. You know, My Chow, My kid can do no wrong. He's not your typical 6 year old he can con the best of the cons. If I didn't know better I would say he was Damian(movie) and Pekoe was his Chow, They both have people manipulating skills down to a science. the bad part is they both know it and use it.

[kingalls]

my daughter was in private school for the first couple of years then switched her to public in 3rd grade. In private school, she didn't get away with much but in public she saw and took advantage of the system. At one point she claimed that her teacher was mean and twisted her arm...I think her teacher was pretty much fed up with her - she was slacking because there wasn't as much being expected of her versus what she was use to in private school. At any rate, we ended up in the principals office with the teacher to resolve the issue. While I wasn't that impressed with the teacher, I was fairly certain that my little cupcake was taking advantage of me and the teacher. I told my daughter that if what she said was true we would look into her going back to private school (not that was true ) after the school year ended. I never heard another complaint about the teacher again.
It might be that Conner is pushing the envelope. I think that this needs to be discussed in detail with the teacher and principal. They need to know that Conner has made this claim just as much as Conner needs to know that this is being discussed with them.

[sweetpea]

When Jacie was in 1st grade I had a run in with her teacher after she came home telling me how her teacher had mistreated her. All I did was make the situation worse.
The next year I got a note from her teacher asking me to bring in a doctors note stating Jacie couldnt be in P.E. She had convinced her teacher she had a bad back and that the doctor had said no P.E! Of course this wasn't true at all. I saved that note, put it in her baby book for her to enjoy when she has kids in school.
I guess I'd want Conner to fess up as to what it is he did that made the teacher mad. That to me sounds like he did something in school that got him in a little hot water with his teacher. So he gets in trouble then comes home with a tale to try to get his teacher in trouble. If your worried about this teacher you can ask some of the other parents of kids that have this teacher if they have any trouble with this teacher. Chances are Conner needs to fess up to what he must have done at school.
He sounds alot like my Jacie was at that age. Never a dull moment with her when she was in school!

[coleywoley]

Has connor had to make this accusation to the teachers face? That may make a difference. I don't think reverse psychology works well with kids who manipulate-both my sisters are queen con artists and its never done well. I would nip this in the bud though as quickly as you can before it escalates. My older sister at one point in life made accusations of her own to the police. It caused a big uproar to say the least. Everyone knew without a doubt she was lying including the police but she never would admit it. She stuck to her story to the point that she actually believes what she said happened and has bitterness because no one including her mom bellieved her.

[Judy Fox]

At this point Jeff, I would sit him down and discuss it with him - quietly turning the discussion into an interrogation.
Get him to explain exactly what happened. Then get him to tell you exactly what led up to the incident - i.e. what he said to whom, what anybody else said, what the teacher said etc. etc. - word for word, action for action. If there are certain things, words, phrases or whatever that you know he uses as him did he say them and so on.
Don't get cross with him - just pin him down - if he is telling the truth, it will come out - if he is telling a yarn you will trip him up and you will winkle the truth of the situation.
It is difficult to work out the truth and children do try to work up a situation. However, always be aware that there could be truth in what he is saying.
I am a bit sceptical about what he is saying as it would be a crass thing for a teacher to put his career on the line with such actions - But he may have done and you must trust your grandson to a degree, until you find out otherwise.

[sit_by_the_beach]

My son accused the teacher of extreme abuse because the teacher made him (and the class) do 100 pushups every morning, he had extreme back pain and was not able to sleep at bedtime. I found out from my son's friends that they did warm up exercises and 10 pushups. My son refused to do pushups and was sent to the back of the classroom. A good actor he was and still is.

My younger Calif. friends made their son tell the story like a rapper. Rich likes rap music. The parents asked him and tell his tale doing rap. They got the truth out of him and were glad not embarrass themselves by confronting the teacher.

The way I handled the situation with my son constantly exagerating, we'd go to an icecream parlor or to a ballgame, activities he liked to do. When he was all tired out, I asked questions. Ask the kid before bedtime when he's really tired. Ask his friends, kids know everything about their friends. I would find out why Connor seeks attention.

My son is quite successful at what he's doing, my friends' son is attending berkeley. Both our sons are very bright, the brighter the kid, the harder they are to raise.

Good luck

[Dogdad]

As I teacher, I can admitt that there are great teachers and poor teachers. It is very rare that a teacher will lose it and
touch a student in a negative way, with law suits etc, most of us are afraid to give a kid a pat on the back or a hug if the child is in distress, it is extremely sad that we are put in this situation, even the slightest allegation could make us lose our jobs and careers.

I see the problem as too many parents have blinders on when it comes to their children. Children make mistakes and parents will cover for them and believe them without a doubt even if the story is unbelieveable. It is the case of the parent being the friend and not the parent in my opinion.

As a parent I would be very concerned if my son came home with a story like that, I would investigate by asking the parents they heard anything. If something happened they would hear, especially at that age. If it was confirmed I would immediately report it, if not, I would have a long talk with my son about the conswquences of lying.

dogdad

[vicster605]

I agree with Judy, Jeff. Watch for exaduration. Kids tend to be dramatic, so ask a question and calm it down as you go. Are you sure it was this way or was it more like this....does that make sense?? I watched my 4 yr old grandson crying because my 4 yr old grand-daughter was crying....she said he hit me in the nose......so I went in very calm and matter of fact..........I said did you hit her in the nose??? He said "I want to go home"....I said Why do you want to go home?? He said because she hurt MY FEEEELINGS.....drama, drama.....He was acting WAY more upset trying to cover up the fact that he hit her in the nose.....so I said did you mean to hit her in the nose.....he said NO.....then say your sorry....he said I'm sorry....then I said for her to say she was sorry for hurting his feelings and she did, so I said now go play and don't hit each other......point is sometimes when they think they are going to get in trouble for something they tend to try and cover up that fact by making it something that happened to them that is worse than what they did, to get out of getting in trouble.....they are very resourceful
I'm not saying that the teacher didn't do anything to him though.....but more like you need to get to the bottom of the situation weeding out the drama.......there are teachers out there that for whatever reason have NO BUSINESS teaching children.....they get burnt out or get tired and think they can do whatever they want. BUT the good teachers are subjected to the kids that try to get them in trouble and its difficult for them to teach due to that fact. My hats off to the Teachers!!! I could NEVER do what they do EVERYDAY........
Good Luck

[Jeff&Peks]

I don't really believe the story and I don't think my Daughter does, I agree with Dogdad I told her to talk to some of the other Parents before she starts any trouble and accusing. I can't picture a teacher losing it like that unless they have a pass history of it and they know something like that would be spread all over the school by the kids talking about it. they would call the parents to pick up the kid before anything got that far out of control. They just went to a PTA meeting and the teacher had nothing but praise for him so I doubt the story is true. Like someone else said she probably just put her hands on him to sit him down or get back in line and he made way more out of then it was. If this were an LA public school I might think there was some truth to it but a private school like this isn't going to be hiring physco child abuser's.

[kingalls]

Of course, some of us older folks here might recall the tactics used by the teachers "back then"....my 5th grade teacher was known to bop the kids on the head with a huge text book and always carried a ruler to quickly smack a misbehaving student on the hand. There was the corporal punishment for the kids really bad - spanking with board. The teachers have it hard now - they are expected to do miracles with kids that are out of control. My next door neighbor's son is practically illiterate but the parents blame the teacher....nevermind that they didn't have any control over the kid or try to help him study.

[Boggled]

When talking with the other parents, I wouldn't mention what your grandson had actually said happened. I would just try and get a feel for what the other parents think of the teacher. I would also talk to your grandson and ask him exactly what happened, and let him know that he is not in trouble, etc (what the others have said).
Did this just happen on Friday? Did he see his teacher since?
I would also just watch his reactions with school after the next few days.
Children at this age can tell some really good stories, but at the same time - It's never ok for someone to hurt another.

[Auddymay]

If you investigate, and find out it was nothing, you might want to use this incident as a teaching tool to nip it, nip it, nip it in the bud. I know we have very different ideas about child rearing, but- I told my daughter when she was old enough to understand, that there were 2 things that would make her regretful. The first was lying to me, the second was being mean to those less fortunate than she was. In fact, I told her I fully expected her to defend the freaks and geeks (not in those words, of course) because that was what good people do.

At Haley's 5th grade graduation, they gave out a Good Citizen award to one outstanding child. The teacher giving the award told of a child who never had an unkind word about others, always willing to help in the classroom, volunteered in the special education class, and someone who was sincere in their efforts. As she was talking, I told the mom sitting next to me that some parent must be very proud. Then she gave Haley the award. I was the proud parent.

It's okay to be laid back, but let Connor know lying is a biggie. It relates to trust. After all, lying in court will land you in jail (sometimes). If you are willing to be the heavy about lying, Connor will understand that it is serious trouble for him, and will avoid doing it. Good Luck!

[Judy Fox]

You must have been proud Auddy - well done Haley.

[Jeff&Peks]

When they took him to school the next day he said it in front of the teacher and some kids, the teacher handled it like it was nothing, in other words it was all made up but the teacher blew it off like Conner you know none of that happened and you know you were bad so lets not be making up stories and that was it. The teacher handled it the way a good teacher should, no big deal didn't make a disaster out of it, she laughed about it and joked with Conner about making up stories and everyone went on with life. It all lasted about 2 seconds.

[Judy Fox]

Good!