When will the hurt go away!

[Redalbi]

Hi sorry to be a nuisance just struggling.

After putting Albertz to sleep on Tuesday am just devastated.

Cant believe how calm I was taking him but had decided was right for him and was very peaceful but fact he was having a better day on Tuesday and did manage to walk about a bit better makes you question yourself.

Now I cry every day nothing in life seems to matter, just miss him so much, it hurts so much, the house is so empty and I would give anything to turn back the clock and cuddle him.

Why did I not ask the vet to check him over and see what she thought was there still a chance, could we try something else. She did say before doing it that was nothing else we could do but maybe I told her too much about his bad days rather than occasional good ones. How could I have gone through with it, this is haunting me.

I was so sure on Tuesday was right thing but now feel made a dreadful mistake that cost my gorgeous boy his life.

Every one is telling me I did the right thing, even the vet but cant make the guilt go away. My 9 year old is saying I did it too soon and that is hitting home.

Wish things could get better

[Sirchow]

I am so sorry that it is so difficult for you. Grieving is very hard and very painful. I hear what you are saying about questioning your decision. I think that this is probably a normal part of grieving. Having been a berievement counsellor I know there are lots of different emotions we go through, from searching and seeing you missed one everywhere to anger and guilt. I know it feels wrong now what you decided but you have to hang onto what led up to your decision and how you saw it then. That was the reality. Sometimes these kind of feelings are almost a way of keeping the pain away. Unfortunately feeling the full pain and loss is the only way to get through and out to the part where you remember the good things and feel sad but it is managable. I wish there was something to say to make it better (or even a bit easier) but these sad and painful feelings are the other side of owning a beloved pet and all the joy that brings. I would say that is sounds like you made the right decision but I dont think anyone saying that will help - it is what you feel that matters.
I hope things start to get a little easier soon. Sending hugs and prayers to you

[Sarahloo]

A vet does not put a dog to sleep unless they are absolutely convinced it is the right thing to do. So if you had been wrong in taking him in, the vet would have told you to take him home again! You had that moment of clarity when you realized you had to let him go, and I don't think that moment of clarity is ever wrong. Many people here (myself included) have had these moments and had to make the painful, but right decision of letting their pet go.
Tell your nine year old that it would have been selfish of you to prolong your dog's struggle "just" because his family couldn't let go of him and that a dog who can't walk is not a dog that enjoys any quality of life. When he's struggling to set one foot in front of the other, if he's falling down, it is time to end the struggle. You should let go of the guilt and allow yourself to mourn in peace. This is tough enough for you as it is, without you unnecessarily blaming yourself!
Take care of yourself, and don't let a nine-year-old tell you how things are!

[Redalbi]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond it means a lot.

sirchow what you said about how I felt when made decision, I was so sure. The vets told me back in July that his back legs were going to get a lot worse and was looking at a month at most. Tried different meds and steroids and bought him wee purple shoes for rear legs so his nails did not bleed(this was because he dragged back legs). You are right need to remember the reason I made decision it was because he was struggling with walking even on short walks had to sit down it was as if did not know where back legs were, doing toilet could not support himself and would fall back into it. Need to try and make peace with myself, hopefully in time.

sarahloo you said about clarity of my decision and again makes a lot of sense. Today have booked a weekend to Blackpool with my son, not my first choice but for him lots to do. Just feel we need time away from house. Something to look forward to

[Sarahloo]

doing toilet could not support himself and would fall back into it

Then you definitely made the right decision!

Try to have some fun in Blackpool!

[cherriemater]

My Dear Redalbi ... my heart and prayers are with you. Kimba and I used to walk around the park across the street every day. Once she passed it took me a month to even cross the street. The depression I have been struggling with after losing my job sent me into a tail spin when Kimba was gone and I didn't leave the house. I couldn't do anything. This site and the wonderful people I have met helped a lot.

A month later, I kissed my husband off to work and then, cautiously, crossed the street. There is a grassy parking area before you get to the park and we would start our walk together, but then Kimba would be taken over by the smells. I would continue on to the pavillion, where I would turn on the artesian well to fill the water ring for her (metal ring for dogs with open bottom so water would fill, then drain back into earth). I'd wait and watch 'til she got there, then she'd drink and sit a bit. I'd say, "Are ya ready for more?" and she'd jump up and we'd continue. I did all the same things and each act or each look to where she would normally be, I'd let myself cry, grieve, wring out my heart. (Glad no one was at the park that day, they might have called the men in white coats for me!!!)

I was so tired, physically, mentally, emotionally, I got home and went to bed and slept through 'til the morning (my hubby gets home at 2:00am). Things seemed a bit better for me after that. I think it was the "letting go" that I did through that final walk. And, I've been able to do that walk more and more. Second walk, there were more tears but not as severe. Third walk, silent tears. Fourth walk, lots of sighs and happy remembrances. Now when I go, I still have "visions" of how she would be but they are happy thoughts. She was such a lovely girl.

One day at a time, one sorrow at a time, one memory at a time. You can do it. Hang in there!! Much love and hugs to you {\o/}

[cherriemater]

PS ... it is NOT a bother or a nuisance. Please continue to post. Reaching out is the BEST way to progress forward in the grieving process and the folks here will help you through it. Don't stop posting. We're all here for ya!!!

[Sarahloo]

So sorry about your struggle, cherriemater.
Problem is, our dogs are not just our pets, they're our friends. And why shouldn't your mourn your friends with all your heart?

[Ursa's daddy]

Redalbi, and the rest of y'all. Life is tough, and I am better at explaining "how to" technical things rather than emotional things, but I will give it a try. The last animal we put to sleep was Wolf, our husky. She had kidney failure and it did not seem right to prolong the suffering. It was my son's dog, and he held her while the vet gave her the injection. At the same time, we had a cat, Jones, who was also having kidney failure. (this was a coincidence, and not due to the contaminated food that sold a few years back...We are careful with our animals). I have sciatica, and often would lie on the floor to stretch out and relieve the pressure on my lower back. Jones would then crawl on my chest and sleep there. I knew his time was limited, but my son could not accept that we should put him to sleep. We chose to wait a while with Jones. About two weeks after Wolf left us, Jones went to join her. My son found him outside in front of the house. Making decisions like that are tough. Writing this is difficult. Tell your son he may never understand it, but one day, he will come to accept that there are things in life that you do, and hope that you have done the right thing.

[Tippsy'smom]

Redalbi, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with this. Regret and guilt is normal when grieving. I felt it after I had to let Tippsy go. And I KNOW she was beyond helping at that point and her bad days had gotten more frequent. And she definitely let me know it was time, but I STILL question the decision... But think of it this way, would you rather have done it too soon, or waited too long?

[kingalls]

We have not gone through losing a Chowling yet but unfortunately many felines. Whether a feline or a canine, we will all go through the grief and sorrow because they were a family member. Sometimes the heartache will last a long time. This past year, I had to make the decision for 2 of my felines - kidney failure & cancer. It will never be easy but you will/did know when it was a matter of what was best for your furkid and not what made you feel comforatable.

[Redalbi]

Thank you everyone for taking time out to write to me it really helps.

I know how painful it is to relive things but you do this to try and help and it really is appreciated.

I am trying to hold on to the reality of why I made decision because I was strong at that time and really felt was right for Albertz, however so far still cry every day for my fur baby and sometimes during these times feel I killed him for my own selfishness. So many conflicting emotiions other times can see why I did it and know was right, others should I have tried another vet maybe that would have helped as current one said nothing more could do.

All I know is that my boy did not look happy very often and really struggled walking. Would come into house and fall flat on wooden floor(maybe should have got carpets for him), fell down onto his poo as could not support himself. Seeing him dragging his back legs was somthing happening more regular.

I guess it is all part of grieving, taking it one day at a time, maybe one day will manage no tears. Getting his ashes back this week know that will be hard too. Taking my wee boy away this weekend think we need to get away from the constant memories of Albertz just for a wee while.

I just dont feel like I care about anything, everything is a struggle. Need to try and force myself to do things which is why going away weekend. People say get another dog but whilst know would help with emptyness it is not the answer at the moment.

This forum keeps me going, gives me the help and support simply cant get anywhere else. Thank you all again for caring

Karen

[cherriemater]

Keep hanging in there, Karen. Here's your daily hug ... {\o/}

[Auddymay]

"Every one is telling me I did the right thing, even the vet but cant make the guilt go away. My 9 year old is saying I did it too soon and that is hitting home."

BaBa, my childhood dog was the very best of companions. When I went away to college, her health was failing. I gently asked my parents to not wait too long with her because I did not want to see her suffer. When I came home 2 months later, I was saddened to see how bad a shape she was in. After angrily interrogating my mother about the particulars, I told them BaBa could suffer no more. She was euthanized that weekend. I would have paid any money not to have to remember the last time our eyes met.That was 33 years ago, and I am crying as I type this. You did Albertz a kindness. Believe me when I tell you the pain of waiting too long is far worse.

[Cocoa]

"Every one is telling me I did the right thing, even the vet but cant make the guilt go away. My 9 year old is saying I did it too soon and that is hitting home."

It is impossible not to feel guilty no matter what. I went through the same thing last year with Baby and I still wonder if it was too soon or, since she was having such a hard time walking in the end, if I waited longer than I should have. I know the time I chose was the right one for her but at the time I was second guessing myself constantly. You know that you did the right thing for Albertz and he and Baby are both doing pain free zoomies on all four legs again.

[bellachow]

Dont feel bad because Albertz 'seemed' to be better. There have been several times in both humans and dogs that I have observed where the very sick appear to be getting better right before they pass away.
This may not be a 'popular' answer to your grieving but have you considered adopting another chow chow? When we lost Iggy we said we weren't getting another but Belle seemed so lost without a companion (for example: she went 12hrs without going outside to do her business cause he wasn't behind her). When we got Chumley a little of the joy came back to our lives. Yes, I still grieve but then one of the brats seem to do something that brings back a funny memory of the ones that have gone over that rainbow and I am a little less sad.

[cherriemater]

Karen ... wouldn't want you to go a day without a hug ... here it comes ... {\o/}

[Sarahloo]

It is impossible not to feel guilty no matter what.

I don't know about that. I knew it was the right thing to do and so I made the decision. My Newfoundland had been sick for nine months and we had run out of conventional AND alternative ways of helping her. I wasn't going to let a dog live that had to crawl around on the ground. It was painful as hell, making the decision, but I didn't feel guilty at all. I felt brave for making the decision of letting my best friend in the world go.

[reddog]

Dear Redalbi

My heart goes out to you and I want to express my deepest sympathy.

Reading through all the kindness and expressions of sympathy and understanding of those here have shared really makes me so glad I found this site recently. As I read their replys, the floodgates within me flew open and the tears came pouring out. Sometimes people say "I know how you feel" but they really don't because they have not walked in your shoes. For me, I can honestly say I know how you feel. I had to have my beloved Chloe put to sleep this past January.

Some yeasr ago I came across a poem in regards to a dog sharing it's life with you entitled "A Dog's Plea" author unknown. It really touched my heart deeply and I have it framed and on my wall. The last paragraph goes:
And, my friend, when I am very old and I no longer enjoy good health, hearing and sight, do not make heroic efforts to keep my going. I am not having any fun. Please see that my trusting lifes is taken gently. I shall leave this earth knowing with the last breath I draw my fate was always safest in your hands.

I am reaching out and giving you a long, comforting hug.
Take Care
Reddog

[Rory's Dad]

I have to say it is never and easy decision, but it must be made with the best interest of you friend. Reading the history, I think that was what you had to do. We too, have had a tough year with our Chow family. Kodi turned 12 early this year and his hips had just plain given out. He struggled to get up from a prone position, but we helped him to get up and could hear his discomfort...perhaps we waited to long, but it came to the point where we couldnt help him, it just hurt too much. It was a tough decision, but we knew he was not going to get any better and age had just taken its toll.

Then 3 months ago, our 9 year old Teddee experienced a seizure. I was out and the wife called me, frightened because our sweet baby bared his teeth and growled at her and my teen daughter. By the time i raced home he recovered and was weak, but docile. Out of pure coincidence, a month later, he had a second seizure and i was home from work because my daughter had the school day off. I talked to him and coaxed him to relax, but 2 hours later he still didnt recognize his family and was very aggressive. My daughter and I talked and realized that Teddee was not going to be himself again. She cried tons, but recognized that she would not be safe with Ted if he had another episode. We made the long, painful drive to the vet.

Brit, my daughter, then asked mom 'who's gonna protect me when i am home', and we knew the answer. Certainly each chow is his/her own self, but we are so happy to have Rory now. My son, who has moved out and on, hates the name and is really upset that he didnt get a chance to say goodbye to Teddee, but understands what happened and why.

I believe that these are hard decisions, as they are our family, or we are theres. But they are the right choices. New friends arent always the answer, it was for us, but saving our loved ones from unneeded pain or suffering is.

[Redalbi]

have not been on for a couple of days but lovely to come on and see such lovely responses. This really is a wonderful forum with lots of really caring people.

It means so much to have all of you take time out to think of us and it has really helped.

Joe and Marti Martin thank you for my daily hugs have made such a difference to me.

On monday night the vet came and spoke to me and talked things through and i think I finally can see what I knew in my heart, i did the right thing for Albertz.

I got his ashes back yesterday and it is so nice to have him back.

The tears still come and the emptiness is still here. Looking forward to going away this weekend just a break from the house as this is where I miss him the most just so used to being with him.

I feel a bit stronger these last couple of days still really sad but thinking heading in right direction.

The help and support I have received here has put me on this road and I am very grateful.

I think next year after my holiday I may well consder a new furry baby.

Speak soon

Karen x

[cherriemater]

You're welcome, Karen. Many of us have been through it and like reddog said we, "know how you feel," truly. The snow has started to fly and all I can think about is Kimba-tracks. You can really see into the mind of a dog if you only follow their tracks in freshly fallen snow. I made a video last year but my external storage hard drive went cablewie so I can't watch it until I get it fixed. >>sigh<< I miss her. Five months later and it still hurts to breath when I think about her.

{\o/} hugs {\o/}
Marti~

[Judy Fox]

It will get better - just take one day at a time and remember the good times between the tears and gradually there will be more remembering and less tears .

You did the right thing.

"Say not in grief he is no more but in thankfulness he was."

x x x x

[cherriemater]

Karen ... I know you're on holiday right now ... but when you get back I can "officially" give you double purple kisses from the boys ... with my usual hugs {\o/}

[lovechows55]

Karen,

So sorry to hear about your loss. As others have said, it takes time to grieve the loss of our beloved chows and what you're experiencing is normal. I wish there was a way to make your sorrow go away but it does take a long time to get over losing a companion as wonderful as our chows and it's even harder when we have to make the agonizing decision to end their lives. I had to make the same choice when my 15 1/2 year old chow, Chelsea, had hip dysplasia and one week she looked like she was nearing the end and then she'd bounce back. We knew we were on borrowed time with her and many people told us that when it was time to let her go that she'd tell us. Two things I learned: 1) chows are very stoic and hide their pain and 2) chows are very loyal to the very end and don't want to leave us anymore than we want to let them go. In the end, you just have to trust that it was Albertz's time and that letting him go was a supreme act of love. It's natural to question whether you might have had a few more days, weeks, etc. if you'd let him live a little longer but he also might have been in acute pain during that time. Let yourself have the peace of knowing that you made the best decision you could and that he's no longer in pain. He's up at the Rainbow Bridge playing with all of his friends and someday, when it's time, you'll see him again.

It's been almost four years since I lost Chelsea and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I still cry over her loss sometimes but most of the pain from her loss has subsided and the acute pain you feel will ease with time. I felt the same way you described when I got her remains back--it was such a relief to have her back home. I've built a little "Chelsea shrine" around her with photos and other keepsakes.

There is a website, www.petloss.com, that really helped me after I lost Chelsea. They have a Monday night candlelight ceremony, memorial tributes (writing Chelsea's was very cathartic), and many resources that may help you as you work through your loss.

And, please know that you'll be in our thoughts and prayers as you're going through this difficult time.