Tess & Me

[mrstu]

I am so sorry to hear about Tess. Her story sounds so similar to my Mrs. Tu that I had to put down last year. She too had cancer on her arm that was an open weeping wound but when I took her to the oncologist, she had cancer everywhere. She too was 17 years old at the time that she went to the bridge. The vet also did come to our house to help us send her to the bridge. Your story sounds like you made life as good as it could be for your baby right up to the time she went running free at the rainbow bridge.. she is running free, not sick anymore, not hurting anymore with all of our chow kids that have passed before us. She will be waiting there with mine until the day that she sees you coming across the bridge. When she sees you, she will stop what she is doing, her head will pick up and she will look around until she spots you.. At that time, she will coming running toward you so that you and she can be together again forever. I am crying so hard right now for you and also for me.. reading your story brought the pain right back to the surface but that is where it needs to be until I am over the grief of losing her which obviously I have not done.

Sending hugs your way from Sophia and Maggie...

[Me & Tess]

I am going to try to continue Tess' story.

Wendy & Disneyland

When our daughter Wendy graduated from high school she got a part time job at Disneyland. She worked at the Emporium on Main Street. The bus to Disneyland ran directly a block away from our house and dropped her off at Disneyland. Sometimes she would draw really late hours and the bus didn't run after midnight. Tess and I would "get Wendy." We'd load into my truck and hit Rosecrans to the 5 Freeway. At that point before we got on the on-ramp Tess would become very serious and put her paw on my arm. She would watch out for me. If she saw anyone strange she would growl, even if they were across the street. When we got to the Disneyland employee parking lot the attendant tried to talk to me and more than one time Tess would go over my lap growling and white teath bared. She was a sight! She made sure I was safe. When I saw Wendy coming, I would say to Tess "here comes Wendy" and Tess would jump into the back seat of my king-cab. This is kinda funny, and almost never failed. When we were driving home Tess would make a poop (pass gas)! Wendy & I would open the windows and yell "ahhhhhhhh - stinky - pew!!!! And we would be laughing!! The I-5 always was in reconstruction - we would have to make detours and find our way home. We were blessed to have Tess with us - guarding us and making us laugh.

I don't know when or if the pain of loosing Tess will ever go away. Mike put more rocks on he grave yesterday - she has a beautiful resting place over-looking our clearing. I did go to look to see what Mike did and just fell to my knees. The grief comes in waves. Mike hurts so much. At this point he doesn't even want to see another dog. This last year I started saving her fur as I brushed her. I want to make it in to yarn. I can still smell Tess' soft black fur. I need to vacuum & wash the floor but I don't want to take away her dust-puppies or dander.

[CoraP.]

I am so sorry. Tess was a wonderful girl.

[chowchowdaddy]

I must admit that I was one of the people who read the early entries and, probably because the pain was still so raw from when we lost our Chia over three years ago, I put off going back. I hoped, along with others, that you would have more time with Tess. Your stories about her made her come to life for all of us and that makes her passing all the more painful...

I think that the hardest thing that any of us can do is to make the decision to let go, to say goodbye. But, it's the last truly wonderful thing that we can do for our chow children. They've looked up to us and they've looked after us for years, if we're lucky, or sometimes just days, but it's always the same. There's never enough time, there's never enough...

This afternoon, I looked through everything that everyone had written and I sat and cried. Thank Heavens for closed office doors...

My heart goes out to you and Mike, and your beautiful Tess who is watching out for you still. Someday, you will feel that paw on your arm once again and know that she's there for you...

[Juniper]

May your future moments be filled with peace and love in memory of Tess and the beautiful life she shared with you both.

[janet]

im sorry this took so long, but,
run free sweet tess............

[Me & Tess]

I need to remember the happy times - the funny times - the pleasure of having Tess' company.

Tess settled into being a house dog very nicely. Mike was working evenings. I would take Tess to the front window where she could see "Daddy come home." Mike came home about the same time each night. Tess & I would wait at the window watching for "Daddy's" car to drive in the driveway. I would usually have the gate open for him. After Mike parked the car Tess would run outside to greet him. It was very dark at 10:30 pm - no lights in the back. Big black Tess would run around the back yard and throw herself on Mike, he never knew from where she came, she was a black hole in the dark. This went on for about 15 minutes; her running around and Mike running around - Tess blocking him. That was their game. She knew who she could be a bit rough with. Mike is 6'2".

Mike wrote Walkwa'e't, Kootenai Indian for sunsett, on a beautiful sunsett colored rock and it is her headstone for now. He is going to carve an oak marker for her very soon. We both have our own ways of dealing with our grief. Mike is talented at making things and I need to write.

[chowkidz]

We are sorry for your pain of losing your beloved Tess.

[Me & Tess]

Wednesday and Thursday were really rough. Different emotions each day. Yesterday I again second guessed myself. I visited our creek for the 1st time since Tess' death. I could see where she layed next to the cold water. I saw the special grasses where she ate the blades of grass. I sat on the bench and cried. I made biscotti in the afternoon. Tess loved to watch me in the kitchen, getting a little nibble of what ever I was cooking. My cookies didn't turn out. Failure without her. I needed to meet each moment I am without her. Mike & I went into town and coming home without Tess waiting for us has so very hard.

Today, like the good Irish we are, we are having a Wake. Mike & I talked about all the good times we had with Tess. The move from the hard city life of Lost Angeles County California to the Rocky Mountains of Montana. How special we were all were. Tess especially. She found a great life in the mountains. Her life was our 20 acres, never to see a fence or gate again. Deer to chase, squirels to chase up trees. The freshest water from our mountain spring to drink. Walks in a forest. Camping near Glacier National Park at Moose Lake, watching for bear in the middle of the night with Mike, and me sleeping soundly, knowing I was well protected by both. She got to drag a rib cage of a deer killed in our forest by coyotes. She had a moment of recollection of her ancesters, stalking the deer with her back hair up. Only a moment though. She was so free.

I can still feel the softness of her fur and smell the sweetness of her. I will remember that always. I had a special connection to Tess from the beginning of our journey. I am feeling better about my decision. I now that she was hiding her pain. She was a brave lady.

Today I took my first walk without her. I walked down our dirt road to the county road. Standing by the road, next to an old cabin and about 15 feet away from me was one of our deer. She didn't bolt, but watched me. I stopped for a moment to talk softly to her. She just stood there, I told her about Tess & then walked on. I met my friend and her two dogs, Buddy who smiles when he sees me and Deli, who thinks I am her''s and walk's beside me to protect me along the road. This is a new beginning without my Tess. I loved her so, and will forever miss her until I too cross the rainbow bridge.

[kingalls]

Yes, it's their smell. I inhale my Chowdren's smell. You will always remember the Chowness smell of Tess.

[Judy Fox]

Lovely stories.

[Me & Tess]

Tess helped raise our son, Matt, who turned out to be a very fine man. Tess showed him a gentleness that he could use where ever he went. I had Matt on “restrictions” for most of his high school years, knowing some “stuff” would go on, but trying to control the bad things that might have happened. There were times when Tess and I would load up in my truck and try to find him after I phoned his friend's parents. Mike worked the evening shift so Tess and I had more of a responsibility to make sure Matt did what he needed to do. Matt called yesterday and Mike told him about Tess. Matt had made us promise to not let her suffer several months ago. He knew the end was near.

Tess & my symphonies were the sounds of the creek. The owls had their own arias, the squirrels sang their own songs, She and I were the same. My heart breaks and will break every time I go to the creek, every time I take a walk and gather wild rose petals in Spring or gather wild flower seeds in Autumn. Every time Mike and I go camping and go alone there will be less of “us.” She & I were the Girls of the Ghetto, the street wise duo. She had my back and I had hers. I miss her with all my heart and soul.

It's still hard. I do cry at night and I don't stay up as late - that was Tess' time. We were together 24/7 for the past 7 years. I did take a walk with my friend and her two dogs a few days ago but she tried to put it in "prospective" for me. I just didn't say anything. I finally cleaned out Tess' things this past Wednesday - gave the shelter in town her food and cookies & our vet an unopened bottle of Proin so they can give it to someone that can't afford the meds. At the end of the day I felt angry. I guess it is just another emotion. I still second guess myself. Seems I thought that Tess was forever.

[Mia]

It's only natural to think in terms of forever, or we could never enjoy now.
And, it's also natural to be devestated when we find that that nothing is forever.
Sometimes the pain seems greater than we can handle - but I guess without that there wouldn't be the good.
It still stinks and I still hate it.

[Me & Tess]

When I was a little girl we had a Chow-mix. He was ginger colored & was named Ginger. We were planning to move from Massachusetts to California, I was 8 at the time. We were struck by a bad hurricane that summer and trees were down on our road. Ginger had the bad habit of chasing cars and was hit badly. I can still remember how he looked. His hip was open raw. My Dad had to put him down him. I remember the awful sound of gun fire. I was crying so hard. My cousin who was 2 years younger than me, told me in a very wise old soul way "Nancy, you can't have everything you want."

[Judy Fox]

I love reading the stories about Tess. I hate that you are so sad but that is only natural and one of these days, you will remember something and you will find you have a little smile on your face and little chuckle in your throat as you remember something nice. Many of us on this site know exactly what you are going through and we know, as I am sure you do, that you will come out the other end, a richer person for having known, loved and been loved by Tess.

I can only say again and again to you:

"Say not in grief she is no more but in thankfulness she was."

Carry on with your little memories of Tess, please - they are so nice to read.

[CoraP.]

It is really, really awful at first. There is just no way around it. Little by little, it does get better. Try not to second guess yourself. You did what you thought and knew was best. That's all they ask. She'll always love you and be near.

[Me & Tess]

I turned 60 a couple of years ago. It was a warm August night under a full moon. Mike had gone to bed around 11pm. The night was so perfect I didn’t want to waste a moment of it. I took Tess on a mid-night walk up our dirt road. It was just Tess and me. With Tess as my protector, I didn’t have any fear of the wild critters that might have been hiding in the forest. We went our full mile. She loved the night. On years past the three of us walked at mid-night on Christmas Eve. We walked in the evening of the New Year. Tess would lead the way. Some of those nights we could hardly see as the night was so dark, arms of the Milky Way outstretched,Tess beckoning us on.

I continue my daily walks, now alone but what I did for Tess I do for myself. Walking is very important to me, for my physical health and spiritual well-being. I go a little further, taking another dirt road to make a change to my walking routine. A couple of days ago I found some more wild Blue Flax seeds where I looked before, and didn’t notice them. Maybe in spirit Tess guided me to them. Next Spring I will have a hill of wild flowers and remember when Tess & I gathered seeds at the end of our summer together.

[Me & Tess]

Last night’s storm gave us snow on the Pass. We are in the “foothills” of the Rockies, if you could call our mountain at 7000 feet the “foothills.” The snow should summon the bears to return to the higher elevations. Our land is located on a wild life corridor. Last year there we had beautiful light brown grizzly move north through our clearing. There are usually several black bear and brown bears down in our area during Spring & Summer. We’ve had sows with cubs - the cubs return as mischievous yearlings or two year olds, & boars who are more than mischievous. The bears are not removed until one or more make trouble. Several years ago Mike went into town, and Tess, who was not one to bark without reason was barking. I looked outside and there was a big black bear sitting on it’s haunches looking at Tess in wonderment, perhaps a primal recognition of ancestors past. They was only about 10 feet between them. I went out on the porch and yelled “git bear.” I’ve been told that bears are supposed to know the meaning of the phrase. The bear did run off back into the forest with Tess giving a short run to show who was boss of the clearing. We had often been told that Tess looked like a small bear and we should put a red bandana on her during hunting season. When she was riding in back of our truck, face against the wind, fur & ears flying back, she really did look like a bear. Earlier this summer we had a pretty big black bear circle our cabin looking into our windows. The three of us, snug & safely in our cabin were following it, staring back. He was over 6 feet tall & amazing. This summer Tess & I were over at our creek. I was working there and all of a sudden Tess crossed the creek and was not running but walking fast towards the cabin. I took the clue and followed her. According to our neighbor there was a bear hanging out in the area.

Some tears still, but doing better. Looked at my daughter’s MySpace site and I think that may have started it. Her “mood” was “forgotten.” Mike walked with me on our road today & I walked alone to the creek. I took some peanuts and put them on a stump for the squirrels. Miss my girls.

[Mia]

Aww...it sounds like you live in an absolutely beautiful natural area.

Not now, but one day - you may want to bring another beautiful chow to enjoy the nature around your home and your loving family.

[Me & Tess]

Mike, Tess & me have had an amazing journey. We live 17 miles as the crow flys from Glacier National Park. Ten Lakes Scenic Area is our back yard. We three came from the streets of Los Angeles County California. Somehow our three paths blended into the same. Mike is a Viet Nam Vet. I worked for the VA Hospital in Long Beach. Tess was either abandoned, or neglected or a run-away, ("I'm down the road Jack" & fliped them a furry doggy finger). We all had attidude. We certainly had lots in common. Tess was a once in a life time Chow, my very best friend. Mike said that there was something between Tess & me & he that couldn't be defined. I felt it and Tess felt it as soon as our eyes locked that Friday, 14 years ago on Clarkedale Avenue, Norwalk California. I cant say I will never have another Chow. I think it would be hard. Our relationships are sometimes defined by a single moment in time. My Tessy, my girl. A Chow this wonderful, this loyal, this brave will be always be remembered and loved forever.

[Piff Poff]

You do live in a stunning area, we try to make it down to Kalispell 2-3 times a year, we have done half of the 'Going to the Sun' Road by shuttle and wanted to do the rest this summer under out own steam but Logans Pass was closed that day(s). There is always next summer. Our First snow is supposed to happen tomorrow.

It sounds as though you had some very special times with your furkid, I can't imagine being with out my Henry Bear - even when he drives me to distraction as I try to figure out what his stare means. I know you guys know that stare: Food? Water? Outside? Play? Move? Oh yep Treat

[pfordeb]

I'm so sorry to hear about Tess's passing. You gave her a wonderful life.

[Me & Tess]

The only time I yelled at Tess it was my fault. I was cooking Oxtail and Barley soup. Our vet told us to give Tess oxtails to help clean her teeth. I had picked out the biggest bone so that Tess would get a good chew and not swallow it. Tess as usual was laying on the kitchen floor watching and smelling the good smells. I hadn’t fed her yet, but the soup was done and I decided to give the oxtail to her. She took it and swallowed it! I was startled and started yelling at her telling her “That was a bone, that was a bone, why did you swallow it???!!!!" I ran down the porch and yelled to Mike “Tess swallowed a bone!!!! Tess swalloed a bone!!!” He looked at me strangely. I ran back to Tess, I got on my knees and took her face in my hands, continuing the rant; “Why did you swallow it?? Why, why, why, that was a bone!!!!" After a minute or two of me totally loosing it, I finally slumped down, head hanging. As wise & gentle as Tess was, she put her muzzle under my chin and gave me a couple of nudges in a very understanding and forgiving manner. In her own way she was telling me she was okay. My sweet, sweet Tess. As we walked the following days I kept watch to see that everything came out ok, it did, and we were fine.

I finally told Wendy a few days ago. She wanted to make sure that Matt knew. I told her that Daddy had told him this past weekend. She is sad. She did love Tess.

Evenings are still the hardest. I try to stay up but it just isn’t the same. Instead of falling asleep on the sofa, I am giving way and just turn off the TV and climb the stairs of our loft. As I get into bed I still listen for the faint echo of Tess following me, to sleep at the foot of our bed. Sweet dreams my Tess.

[Mally]

Your stories are beautiful...yet so sad. I know that I will be crying when I open your posts but I just can't help myself - I need to read them. I can't think of Lychee getting old and leaving me - she is my baby...I don't know how I will ever handle her passing I'm glad you're doing a little better. I know that the writing helps with the pain. One day you will be ready to open your heart to another special Chow.

[Me & Tess]

I was 53, working for one of the biggest hospitals in Long Beach California. I worked as a secretary for the Chief of a service with 8 staff doctors and 24 residents. I took on new and varied projects eagerly. I didn’t know how to say “no.” My daily routine would sometimes turn to chaos as some emergency would arise, I would work 9 hours. I also held a position in my church which kept me busy. Raising a teenage boy along with my husband (and Tess) was sometimes challenging although he was the best kid. Then there was the shopping and cleaning, maintaining a home, the regular stuff. I woke up around 3:30am one morning and my left shoulder and back hurt. I had Mike massage it and then I took a hot bath. The pain didn’t go away. I got ready to go to work, got on the freeway, thinking there is something wrong here. I got to work and there was a mock disaster drill going on. My supervisors were away from the area. I was talking to one of my docs and he told me I had better get to Kaiser. I didn’t want to go to our ER. I called Kaiser to tell them I was coming. Got back on the freeway, drove home quickly, ran in the house got the check book and yelled to Mike I was going to Kaiser. When I got to the ER they took me in right away, gave me a clot buster shot. I told them to call my husband. The first doc said I had a slight to moderate heart attack and then later the second doc said I had a moderate to sever heart attack. I was thinking; give me the first doc! The rest was a blur for a while. They gave me an angioplasty and I stayed in the hospital for a week. When I got home, Tess was so happy to see me but she was so gentle. It was as if she was afraid I would break. I received lots of flowers and plants from my friends. I put them on the floor and Tess would smell every leaf, every petal on every flower and plant. She would start right to left, every time right to left. After she thoroughly completed this smelling ritual she looked at me to give me the go-ahead to place them on a table. She was my official flower/plant smeller. My Tess looked out for me. I learned how to say “no,” and returned to work four weeks later. During the week I was away, Tess would hardly eat, turned her back on Mike or give him this “what did you do with her??!!” stare.

I woke yesterday at 4:30a., thinking about Tess. I baked a lemon meringue pie, and I made some pizza dough for today. I missed my Tess watching me. Both turned out so I am doing better. I was walking by the stairs to the loft and my mind played a little trick on me. I imagined I saw Tess laying there but it was only the black and white throw rug at the bottom of the stairs. She used to lay on it. My pain still feels fresh. I know it takes time. Often I wish I had one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more month with Tess. I realize this wish is very selfish. But, I still have that wish none the less.